I haven't logged onto this account in months, so I was greeted with over 7000 messages.
Anyways, since the beginning of the year I was using a new account and I will continue to do so. My first account was made when I was in grade 6 or something and I deactivated it long ago, and I regret doing that so this account will NOT be deactivated. I'm leaving it as it is, maybe sometimes I'll log on just to update or post a few pictures or something.
Also since the beginning of this year, my life has been a living fucking hell. My best friend was diagnosed with AML on January 4th, just over a week after her 16th birthday. She would have died that night had her mom not brought her into the ER. She spent almost half a year in Sick Kids and she was supposed to come home on June 6th. Long story short, she got a fungal infection and never fully fought it off before they rushed her into her last induction of chemo. Chemo completely depletes the immune system, so no fucking shit the infection because 1000x worse and sent her into septic shock.
She spent her last week in ICU, and they told us they would try one last thing to save her, otherwise she would not make it: steroids. The steroids would either boost her system enough to fight it off, or boost the infection. I think you can guess what boosted. Her body bloated with fluid from her lungs, so many machines hooked up to her keeping her alive for a little longer. Her body was shutting down.
I had been sick for 2 weeks and was not allowed to visit her, and it was killing me because I didn't know if the last time I saw her would truly be the last.
But I knew when I got a phone call from my friend, giving me the news, and the news that her mom wanted me to come down, that I knew it was all over. I left the next morning super early, saw her, cried for the entire day. They made the decision to take her off life support that day and we were allowed to go in one by one to say goodbye.
How the FUCK am I supposed to come up with something to tell my dying best friend? Yeah, I said dumb shit because I didn't know what else to say. My brain wasn't exactly working and I was having a panic attack and I regret it every day that I didn't get to say everything I wanted to. I guess I'm glad I told her some of the things I wanted to know, and I only hope each fucking day that she already knew all those things that I didn't get to say that night.
We all felt like we had to be there, so we watched her die. Morbid and fucking terrifying. I was staring at the clock the entire 15 minutes we were in there while they were prepping her and removing all the IVs and breathing tubes. I couldn't even fucking cry. It was like I was in a trance. I still get nightmares of that night. It was 8:35pm when it happened.
Almost 7 years. Almost 7 years I knew her, almost 7 years that were were stuck to each other's sides. It's been almost 2 months since she's died and I'm still in denial. I have to remind myself multiple times a day that she's gone and not coming back. I still can't wrap my head around that and it fucking kills me.
Besides that, my health has been fucked since the time Alex was diagnosed and it's only been going downhill. I've been to the ER so many fucking times and they keep trying to say it's mono, even though 5/5 tests have come back negative. I'm getting tired, both mentally and physically, with this shit. My next appointment is August 5th and I just wish she will finally figure out what's wrong.
My speech is starting to get fucked, I have trouble talking, thinking and writing. My toes have been numb since the 5th of this month. There's a constant, excruciating stabbing in my left ribcage that I'm not telling anyone about because I don't want to wait another 10 hours in the ER for them to tell me it'S PROBABLY MONO!!! I still can't sleep, even less now that Alex died. My appetite has also been even more effected, I can barely eat a handful before I feel so full I want to puke. My migraines are so fucking bad when I wake up that I sit in bed for hours until it begins to simmer down. I get chills all the time, even more at night. Usually by this time I'd be sleeping half naked with no blankets but yet I have to be in sweats, a hoodie and a winter blanket. I'm dizzy and weak and I just want to sleep forever until they wake me up and tell me what's fucking wrong.